I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
