apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
