There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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