I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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