I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
