I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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