Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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