i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
