Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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