He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
