The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
