Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If that was your dad, he is hot
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
