if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
