last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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