If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
