no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
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did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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