I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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