When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
