just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
