No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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