ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
