we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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