I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
