four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
