This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
