Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
