Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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