I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why didn't you poke me back
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
