I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
