hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
