LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
