I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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