We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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