i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
false alarm, still single
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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