she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?