We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much