Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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