R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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