you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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