I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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