I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
