I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
