My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
