May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
