thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
