I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize