When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
