I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was born a porn star she said
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
