Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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