and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
