So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I came so hard my ears popped.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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