So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
