Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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