Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
