How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
