I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize