Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
