I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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