i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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