I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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