Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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